Big Brother

When I was growing up, all the way into my teens, I shared a room with my big brother Doug. There were a couple of short years when he left for a mission and some time for school in Houston but for the most part, my room was a subset of his room. Consequently I was a part of his life in almost every way as he was in mine. Oh this changed as he got older and High School and college took more of his time but the impressions were already made upon me.

I idolized my brother and everything he did. When I was in my teens I wanted to be just like him. But you would never know it from most of my actions. I dropped out of school when he was in college and that was 100% opposite of what he had done in High School. He was a Junior Class President or Class Vice-President. I can't remember which but he crowned my sister Vickie Homecoming Queen since the Class President was on the football team and in the locker room at half-time. We have a photo of the moment just prior to the crowning and it shows Doug licking his lips. We always thought that was so funny and he was teased all the time about prepping his lips to give the Queen a big kiss.

As Doug became more involved at the University of Utah, I saw less and less of him. He also married during that time and the room finally became mine alone. As he continued in college I started to spend more time around him and his friends at the University. I read many of the same books  he did and studied on my own many of the same things he did. Of course I wasn't pressured to write papers or do exams but I felt like I learned quite a bit nonetheless. He was very popular as always and I tried my best to be just like him again.

Now I'm 51 and I look back at those times with a different set of eyes. He and I have chosen very different paths in life. I can't quite say when but at some point in time I went from looking up to him to looking down on him. That is not to say I was any better than Doug but only different and my perspective had changed greatly. Now I believe I can see him for who he is and I can appreciate the brother I have now. Many miles separate us from physically seeing each other. In fact it has been more than a decade since seeing him last. One day we will see each other again and I think our eyes will be on the same plane. I know he has changed as have I but I can live with those changes. I don't have to look up to him any longer in order to have self-esteem but I can look at him with the respect an older brother deserves.

Til we meet again bro,
Johnny

Saturday With My Mom

Last week I was able to pick up Mom from Vickie's and she has been staying with us for the past few days. It has been great. We played Scrabble and Mom was her usual self making words that only she knew. Ha ha. John Challenged her at every opportunity and really showed off his skill of language. He won nearly every game except for one. I got lucky and found a triple word on pseudo and followed it by zit on a double word. That vaulted me into an insurmountable lead since it was so close to being over. That was really fun!

But on Saturday morning I took Mom to a funeral of her cousin Wesley Stevens. She had a good time despite it being a funeral. There were relatives there she may never see again since she lives in Plano and they are so spread out too. We attended the small luncheon afterwards and she regaled the table with stories of the past. I could see she enjoyed every minute of it and I am grateful I could take her to this. I didn't know nearly as many people as she did but I knew a few. Time passes so quickly that meetings of family don't happen as often as they should.

Mom will be here for another week plus a couple of days and I am sure to see her again but the time on Saturday was special.

Thoughts of Dad

Today I posted another letter to Dad. On Veteran's Day I think of him often. I usually call him but won't this year. He hasn't been answering my calls since about February. I think he was under the impression I was trying to get to Nick's college money Dad had put away. But nothing could be further from the truth. I miss my Dad in many ways. He wasn't always there when I was young but most of it he was serving in Vietnam. Other times he was not and I don't have many memories of hardly anything during those times anyway. So I guess that doesn't matter.

I think that with John I became the same Dad I had in many ways. When I was there I wasn't really there. I wish I had been more in tune with being a father. But wishing doesn't roll back time. I just watched a touching short film of a father and son. I recommend watching it if this link is still good. (It is a facebook link)

Dear Dad

By the time you get this Veteran’s Day will have passed. I am not too timely getting letters away. I want to tell you that as your son I have always been proud of the service you gave. Going to Vietnam twice was something not every person in the military did. I know you always tell us certain stories and only those stories of what you did there. I’m sure it was a bit rougher than you describe but in any case a war zone is still a war zone and I’m glad you were one of those that returned safe.

John thinks about you too but does not express himself in this manner too much. I think he takes after me in this regard. I am not too much on the sentiment side of things either. He’s doing pretty well but it could be better. I know he gets jealous of his brother when he sees all the activity he does with school and his friends. But it boils down to his choices he makes. Just like the rest of us, we live by what choices we make and the outcome of them.

I do try to call at least twice a month but since the last time we spoke it seems like you have decided not to take my calls. I remember you saying something about Nick’s college money to me like I wanted it. That is simply not the case. I want nothing to do with it and never have. Nick wasn’t comfortable at the time to ask for it and he needed to start paying for some things early. He has changed quite a bit since living on campus. And I think those changes have been good for him. He also could not have made that choice without the funds you saved for him. That money made it possible for him to live on campus for the first year. I’m not sure if he will have enough for next year so we are potentially planning on moving closer to the school which also gets both of us closer to work too.

Last May I was awarded a promotion to Systems Administrator for the entire Library District. I oversee all the servers in the district and it is quite a task. I like it though since the responsibility is greater and the job is more flexible. Only drawback was it was not a huge increase in pay. Only about 5k a year increase. But at this point an increase is an increase and I’m happy to have a stable job. On the 16^th I am out of the probationary period for promotions and with only one of me it makes me a pretty valuable person so they are not likely to replace me anytime soon.

Well that’s about it for now. I hope you are well and I hope to hear from you sometime.

Decisions Decisions...

Our lives our simply a product of every decision we have ever made. The good ones, the bad ones, fleeting moment thoughts and carefully crafted plans. This is the fabric we call our self. The threads are woven tightly and we continue to add to the fabric all the time. I am at a place in my life where I can look back at those decisions and finally I think I can say the good ones are starting to out weigh the bad ones. I could have done many things different and many changes would have been made but I would not be who I am today nor whom I will be tomorrow without this history in place.

I accept that it was I alone who has made these choices and no one else. Yes there are many influences surrounding us everyday but ultimately it is always are choice to make. I can't blame or give credit to anyone but myself for where I am at in life. I am for the most part a satisfied man. I have a family I love and that loves me. I have a career and I love what I do. How many of us hit fifty years old and are in this place?

Tonight I celebrated my nephew Bryan and his loving bride Rachel's wedding. Young love at its highest moments. It was wonderful to be there and join the celebration. I felt Donna and I also made a new connection once again as we danced into the evening. Not so new love is still terrific too.