Souls

The soul can live within many contexts. The heart lives in just one. Break the heart and it dies. Break your soul and you die many times over and over and over.

Love Of My Life

I was eighteen

she was nineteen

we dated.

Passionate

short

full of memories.

She dumped me

perhaps it was the shorts

full of holes they were.

I was crushed

for a while

but I moved on.

I did not forget

Nor did she.

Our poisoned love would languish

a year and plus more passed by

she called.

Trouble hanging around

she trusted me

I went to her

she felt safe.

Trouble arrived

showing

on schedule and on time.

I told him to not return or else

I held her close in my arms

that night and several more

she enjoyed my strength

her sense of safety.

We were together again

her place became mine

and soon another became ours.

Time passed and the love grew

the love wained

as love will do

we parted once more.

Returning

once again to Love

repeating the parting

only this time

seemingly final.

Miles of Earth

many states

stood between our Love.

The phone beckoned our hearts

we talked

again and again.

Will you marry me?

I asked on the phone

Yes she replied.

We wed

February 1985

the ninth

before a Judge in

Gaffeny, South Carolina

he was paid

twenty-five dollars.

Wine was shared on the return ride

a small celebration ensued

we loved again

we loved again.

We were young

we became parents

John was first to share the love.

Responsible

nurturing

yes

but not to our love.

Separation

hearts broken

distance once again

between the love.

Love endures so they say

a year passed

another gone by.

We grew

we endured

together again

loving once more.

Love to share

Love to bare

wondrous beautiful love

became known as Nick.

Young and naive

proud we were

unable to nurture

our own Love

once again.

Yes once again

heartache

pain

hurtful words

meaningless days

wasted time.

Once again Love endured

Love rekindled

as a flicker then a flame.

Candles to life

lighting the way

to enlightenment

to joy

to sorrow

the flame waned.

More happiness

more pain.

Visiting Always Means Departures

This past month has been very nice to have my Mom so close. As with each visit she is the target for an ever growing number of family members. This makes each moment more special since they have to be shared so often. She was in very good spirits for the entire trip despite catching a cold in the beginning.

But each time I see her I wonder as she leaves if it will be the last time. She is 79 and not in perfect health but not terrible with the parts of her that usually mean peril. I am glad for the moments we do get and still look forward to more.

This is what I mean when I say 'visiting means departures. A visit is by definition a short stay. Saying good-bye is never easy. I love you Mom.

Big Brother

When I was growing up, all the way into my teens, I shared a room with my big brother Doug. There were a couple of short years when he left for a mission and some time for school in Houston but for the most part, my room was a subset of his room. Consequently I was a part of his life in almost every way as he was in mine. Oh this changed as he got older and High School and college took more of his time but the impressions were already made upon me.

I idolized my brother and everything he did. When I was in my teens I wanted to be just like him. But you would never know it from most of my actions. I dropped out of school when he was in college and that was 100% opposite of what he had done in High School. He was a Junior Class President or Class Vice-President. I can't remember which but he crowned my sister Vickie Homecoming Queen since the Class President was on the football team and in the locker room at half-time. We have a photo of the moment just prior to the crowning and it shows Doug licking his lips. We always thought that was so funny and he was teased all the time about prepping his lips to give the Queen a big kiss.

As Doug became more involved at the University of Utah, I saw less and less of him. He also married during that time and the room finally became mine alone. As he continued in college I started to spend more time around him and his friends at the University. I read many of the same books  he did and studied on my own many of the same things he did. Of course I wasn't pressured to write papers or do exams but I felt like I learned quite a bit nonetheless. He was very popular as always and I tried my best to be just like him again.

Now I'm 51 and I look back at those times with a different set of eyes. He and I have chosen very different paths in life. I can't quite say when but at some point in time I went from looking up to him to looking down on him. That is not to say I was any better than Doug but only different and my perspective had changed greatly. Now I believe I can see him for who he is and I can appreciate the brother I have now. Many miles separate us from physically seeing each other. In fact it has been more than a decade since seeing him last. One day we will see each other again and I think our eyes will be on the same plane. I know he has changed as have I but I can live with those changes. I don't have to look up to him any longer in order to have self-esteem but I can look at him with the respect an older brother deserves.

Til we meet again bro,
Johnny

Saturday With My Mom

Last week I was able to pick up Mom from Vickie's and she has been staying with us for the past few days. It has been great. We played Scrabble and Mom was her usual self making words that only she knew. Ha ha. John Challenged her at every opportunity and really showed off his skill of language. He won nearly every game except for one. I got lucky and found a triple word on pseudo and followed it by zit on a double word. That vaulted me into an insurmountable lead since it was so close to being over. That was really fun!

But on Saturday morning I took Mom to a funeral of her cousin Wesley Stevens. She had a good time despite it being a funeral. There were relatives there she may never see again since she lives in Plano and they are so spread out too. We attended the small luncheon afterwards and she regaled the table with stories of the past. I could see she enjoyed every minute of it and I am grateful I could take her to this. I didn't know nearly as many people as she did but I knew a few. Time passes so quickly that meetings of family don't happen as often as they should.

Mom will be here for another week plus a couple of days and I am sure to see her again but the time on Saturday was special.

Thoughts of Dad

Today I posted another letter to Dad. On Veteran's Day I think of him often. I usually call him but won't this year. He hasn't been answering my calls since about February. I think he was under the impression I was trying to get to Nick's college money Dad had put away. But nothing could be further from the truth. I miss my Dad in many ways. He wasn't always there when I was young but most of it he was serving in Vietnam. Other times he was not and I don't have many memories of hardly anything during those times anyway. So I guess that doesn't matter.

I think that with John I became the same Dad I had in many ways. When I was there I wasn't really there. I wish I had been more in tune with being a father. But wishing doesn't roll back time. I just watched a touching short film of a father and son. I recommend watching it if this link is still good. (It is a facebook link)

Dear Dad

By the time you get this Veteran’s Day will have passed. I am not too timely getting letters away. I want to tell you that as your son I have always been proud of the service you gave. Going to Vietnam twice was something not every person in the military did. I know you always tell us certain stories and only those stories of what you did there. I’m sure it was a bit rougher than you describe but in any case a war zone is still a war zone and I’m glad you were one of those that returned safe.

John thinks about you too but does not express himself in this manner too much. I think he takes after me in this regard. I am not too much on the sentiment side of things either. He’s doing pretty well but it could be better. I know he gets jealous of his brother when he sees all the activity he does with school and his friends. But it boils down to his choices he makes. Just like the rest of us, we live by what choices we make and the outcome of them.

I do try to call at least twice a month but since the last time we spoke it seems like you have decided not to take my calls. I remember you saying something about Nick’s college money to me like I wanted it. That is simply not the case. I want nothing to do with it and never have. Nick wasn’t comfortable at the time to ask for it and he needed to start paying for some things early. He has changed quite a bit since living on campus. And I think those changes have been good for him. He also could not have made that choice without the funds you saved for him. That money made it possible for him to live on campus for the first year. I’m not sure if he will have enough for next year so we are potentially planning on moving closer to the school which also gets both of us closer to work too.

Last May I was awarded a promotion to Systems Administrator for the entire Library District. I oversee all the servers in the district and it is quite a task. I like it though since the responsibility is greater and the job is more flexible. Only drawback was it was not a huge increase in pay. Only about 5k a year increase. But at this point an increase is an increase and I’m happy to have a stable job. On the 16^th I am out of the probationary period for promotions and with only one of me it makes me a pretty valuable person so they are not likely to replace me anytime soon.

Well that’s about it for now. I hope you are well and I hope to hear from you sometime.