Insomnia

This is what my life has become at the age of 52. A wondering soul who get so little sleep. Less than 4 hours a day and most are less than that. I don't know how long I can keep going at this rate. I am tired all the time. I really don't know why as this is the worst it has ever been.

Mother's Day Letter

Dear Mom,
I want you to enjoy this day to the fullest. savor all the moments like you were a child chasing a butterfly.

I want you to know just how special you are. The photo is a captured moment probably never to be repeated.

Mom I am grateful for everything you have given or done for me but here is my short version list.

I am grateful for:
You gave me my life.
You took care of me as a child when healthy or sick.
You were there for the little events as well as the big events.
You sat in a freezing grandstand to watch me play football.
You demanded to the baseball league for them to get me a uniform when they said they were out.
You tolerated my tumultuous teen years with patience and support.
You taught me the power of forgiveness.
You showed me the direction for living life. (Mine just turned a corner from yours.)
You always gave unconditional love to me.
You share a piece of you own heart with everyone you meet.
Most of all you taught me to be me and while I do not think I am perfect, I am on a path you set the markers on and it is a good path.

Thank you Mom,
love from your son,
Johnny

A Walk With the Kira Dawg

Tonight was one of those rare evenings when the temperature is still 95 degrees but it feels like it is in the eighties. This is sometimes common here in Arizona fooling you into thinking it is cooler than it really is. We, the Kira Dawg and I, started a walk heading West through the neighborhood. The first thought I had just as I passed the driveway was how beautiful the crescent moon was tonight. It glowed a semi-bright golden color and with Venus high in the sky overhead illuminating the rim of the moon in a way that outlined it in a low blue hue.

There were other planets shining too as I had read sometime earlier in the month that they would be showing but the city lights and my lack of astral knowledge will leave them nameless for tonight.

We walked all the way to the end of the neighborhood as far west as we could go without going onto the main roads. Stopping only long enough for Kira Dawg to do the things dogs like to do when passing fresh grass.

As we rounded the corner now heading East, I could not help to notice how dull and dark the night sky had become now. But as we continued it became brighter and brighter. Not from bright stars, not from planets soaring closer to Earth but from giant, no humongous signs flashing every few seconds hawking the cars from the near by dealers. Bright enough to cast shadows and light the windows on the row of homes across from it. I am glad not to live in those homes.

As we reached the end we once more turned West. The crescent moon was lower in the horizon now and glowed a deeper golden orange as Venus had soared farther overhead. No longer was the moon illuminated in soft blue yet it was still brilliant and radiating warmth. As if we needed it here, the perspiration now starting to bead and the dog's tongue was dangling outside of its mouth.

As our journey ended we were both feeling better. Kira Dawg is now sprawled across the floor and I in my recliner. The fan is blowing cool air and the night is becoming still. I would not trade the moments for anything as they only happen once. Moments in time are nothing but fleeting dandelions you try to catch and hold onto. And if and when one is lucky enough to capture one, it will self destruct within a blink of an eye once again confirming time will not rest.

2012 - 01 - 01

Here I am at the beginning of another year. How did I fare last year? Well I'm still alive and I received a promotion of my dreams. I guess that was pretty good so how or what do I do to top that?

Well for starters I plan on improving my health as an overall goal. I have said every year I am going to lose weight but weight is but one component in the plan. I did lose weight last year but on a daily basis feel worse than last year minus some back pain. Oh it is still around just not on the Richter scale as high as before.

Today was a great day overall. Donna and I attended a bash at  a friend's home  where the guest of honor was slowly being smoked from an open fire. Mmm...good. The last big feast for this guy this year. I am pledging to a healthier life and diet starting now. Many thanks for Glynn and Linda Dunbar for inviting us. Here is a picture of the guest of honor.

I almost forgot that last night marked a milestone in my life, fifteen years of complete sobriety.

Milkbones

Milkbones are a favorite treat for Kira, our dog. But I play a game with her before she can just get the bone. From the moment I get it she is transfixed on the prize since it starts when I dig for several seconds to find the perfect bone. She sits eyes glued to the box. Then we proceed to play our version of 1on1. If I can sneak the bone past her paws across the tile I win. She is a pretty good goalie. This simply never gets old.

Tired

At age 51 I am feeling extremely tired just after 7:00 PM. The Dr. said I was deficient in vitamin D. So I take it twice a day as prescibed. But I think it is also a sign of depression. I didn't work today because of this and a massive headache to go along with pain this morning.

Is this the way I want to start a new year? I don't think so.

Dark Thought

I have the feeling today that I am imprisoned within my mind. Tears came from my eyes as I stared into the screen thinking nothing as I was nothing to anyone, at that moment. Life is but a series of thoughts and random feelings entwined with others as we move about life. I know now I am in a chasm, slick sided and dark in its depths. I have the number and a friend is urging me to call. I can't bring myself to do it yet. I have not suffered enough for the pain to create action. I am frozen in my own mind.

Souls

The soul can live within many contexts. The heart lives in just one. Break the heart and it dies. Break your soul and you die many times over and over and over.

Love Of My Life

I was eighteen

she was nineteen

we dated.

Passionate

short

full of memories.

She dumped me

perhaps it was the shorts

full of holes they were.

I was crushed

for a while

but I moved on.

I did not forget

Nor did she.

Our poisoned love would languish

a year and plus more passed by

she called.

Trouble hanging around

she trusted me

I went to her

she felt safe.

Trouble arrived

showing

on schedule and on time.

I told him to not return or else

I held her close in my arms

that night and several more

she enjoyed my strength

her sense of safety.

We were together again

her place became mine

and soon another became ours.

Time passed and the love grew

the love wained

as love will do

we parted once more.

Returning

once again to Love

repeating the parting

only this time

seemingly final.

Miles of Earth

many states

stood between our Love.

The phone beckoned our hearts

we talked

again and again.

Will you marry me?

I asked on the phone

Yes she replied.

We wed

February 1985

the ninth

before a Judge in

Gaffeny, South Carolina

he was paid

twenty-five dollars.

Wine was shared on the return ride

a small celebration ensued

we loved again

we loved again.

We were young

we became parents

John was first to share the love.

Responsible

nurturing

yes

but not to our love.

Separation

hearts broken

distance once again

between the love.

Love endures so they say

a year passed

another gone by.

We grew

we endured

together again

loving once more.

Love to share

Love to bare

wondrous beautiful love

became known as Nick.

Young and naive

proud we were

unable to nurture

our own Love

once again.

Yes once again

heartache

pain

hurtful words

meaningless days

wasted time.

Once again Love endured

Love rekindled

as a flicker then a flame.

Candles to life

lighting the way

to enlightenment

to joy

to sorrow

the flame waned.

More happiness

more pain.

Visiting Always Means Departures

This past month has been very nice to have my Mom so close. As with each visit she is the target for an ever growing number of family members. This makes each moment more special since they have to be shared so often. She was in very good spirits for the entire trip despite catching a cold in the beginning.

But each time I see her I wonder as she leaves if it will be the last time. She is 79 and not in perfect health but not terrible with the parts of her that usually mean peril. I am glad for the moments we do get and still look forward to more.

This is what I mean when I say 'visiting means departures. A visit is by definition a short stay. Saying good-bye is never easy. I love you Mom.

Big Brother

When I was growing up, all the way into my teens, I shared a room with my big brother Doug. There were a couple of short years when he left for a mission and some time for school in Houston but for the most part, my room was a subset of his room. Consequently I was a part of his life in almost every way as he was in mine. Oh this changed as he got older and High School and college took more of his time but the impressions were already made upon me.

I idolized my brother and everything he did. When I was in my teens I wanted to be just like him. But you would never know it from most of my actions. I dropped out of school when he was in college and that was 100% opposite of what he had done in High School. He was a Junior Class President or Class Vice-President. I can't remember which but he crowned my sister Vickie Homecoming Queen since the Class President was on the football team and in the locker room at half-time. We have a photo of the moment just prior to the crowning and it shows Doug licking his lips. We always thought that was so funny and he was teased all the time about prepping his lips to give the Queen a big kiss.

As Doug became more involved at the University of Utah, I saw less and less of him. He also married during that time and the room finally became mine alone. As he continued in college I started to spend more time around him and his friends at the University. I read many of the same books  he did and studied on my own many of the same things he did. Of course I wasn't pressured to write papers or do exams but I felt like I learned quite a bit nonetheless. He was very popular as always and I tried my best to be just like him again.

Now I'm 51 and I look back at those times with a different set of eyes. He and I have chosen very different paths in life. I can't quite say when but at some point in time I went from looking up to him to looking down on him. That is not to say I was any better than Doug but only different and my perspective had changed greatly. Now I believe I can see him for who he is and I can appreciate the brother I have now. Many miles separate us from physically seeing each other. In fact it has been more than a decade since seeing him last. One day we will see each other again and I think our eyes will be on the same plane. I know he has changed as have I but I can live with those changes. I don't have to look up to him any longer in order to have self-esteem but I can look at him with the respect an older brother deserves.

Til we meet again bro,
Johnny

Saturday With My Mom

Last week I was able to pick up Mom from Vickie's and she has been staying with us for the past few days. It has been great. We played Scrabble and Mom was her usual self making words that only she knew. Ha ha. John Challenged her at every opportunity and really showed off his skill of language. He won nearly every game except for one. I got lucky and found a triple word on pseudo and followed it by zit on a double word. That vaulted me into an insurmountable lead since it was so close to being over. That was really fun!

But on Saturday morning I took Mom to a funeral of her cousin Wesley Stevens. She had a good time despite it being a funeral. There were relatives there she may never see again since she lives in Plano and they are so spread out too. We attended the small luncheon afterwards and she regaled the table with stories of the past. I could see she enjoyed every minute of it and I am grateful I could take her to this. I didn't know nearly as many people as she did but I knew a few. Time passes so quickly that meetings of family don't happen as often as they should.

Mom will be here for another week plus a couple of days and I am sure to see her again but the time on Saturday was special.

Thoughts of Dad

Today I posted another letter to Dad. On Veteran's Day I think of him often. I usually call him but won't this year. He hasn't been answering my calls since about February. I think he was under the impression I was trying to get to Nick's college money Dad had put away. But nothing could be further from the truth. I miss my Dad in many ways. He wasn't always there when I was young but most of it he was serving in Vietnam. Other times he was not and I don't have many memories of hardly anything during those times anyway. So I guess that doesn't matter.

I think that with John I became the same Dad I had in many ways. When I was there I wasn't really there. I wish I had been more in tune with being a father. But wishing doesn't roll back time. I just watched a touching short film of a father and son. I recommend watching it if this link is still good. (It is a facebook link)

Dear Dad

By the time you get this Veteran’s Day will have passed. I am not too timely getting letters away. I want to tell you that as your son I have always been proud of the service you gave. Going to Vietnam twice was something not every person in the military did. I know you always tell us certain stories and only those stories of what you did there. I’m sure it was a bit rougher than you describe but in any case a war zone is still a war zone and I’m glad you were one of those that returned safe.

John thinks about you too but does not express himself in this manner too much. I think he takes after me in this regard. I am not too much on the sentiment side of things either. He’s doing pretty well but it could be better. I know he gets jealous of his brother when he sees all the activity he does with school and his friends. But it boils down to his choices he makes. Just like the rest of us, we live by what choices we make and the outcome of them.

I do try to call at least twice a month but since the last time we spoke it seems like you have decided not to take my calls. I remember you saying something about Nick’s college money to me like I wanted it. That is simply not the case. I want nothing to do with it and never have. Nick wasn’t comfortable at the time to ask for it and he needed to start paying for some things early. He has changed quite a bit since living on campus. And I think those changes have been good for him. He also could not have made that choice without the funds you saved for him. That money made it possible for him to live on campus for the first year. I’m not sure if he will have enough for next year so we are potentially planning on moving closer to the school which also gets both of us closer to work too.

Last May I was awarded a promotion to Systems Administrator for the entire Library District. I oversee all the servers in the district and it is quite a task. I like it though since the responsibility is greater and the job is more flexible. Only drawback was it was not a huge increase in pay. Only about 5k a year increase. But at this point an increase is an increase and I’m happy to have a stable job. On the 16^th I am out of the probationary period for promotions and with only one of me it makes me a pretty valuable person so they are not likely to replace me anytime soon.

Well that’s about it for now. I hope you are well and I hope to hear from you sometime.

Decisions Decisions...

Our lives our simply a product of every decision we have ever made. The good ones, the bad ones, fleeting moment thoughts and carefully crafted plans. This is the fabric we call our self. The threads are woven tightly and we continue to add to the fabric all the time. I am at a place in my life where I can look back at those decisions and finally I think I can say the good ones are starting to out weigh the bad ones. I could have done many things different and many changes would have been made but I would not be who I am today nor whom I will be tomorrow without this history in place.

I accept that it was I alone who has made these choices and no one else. Yes there are many influences surrounding us everyday but ultimately it is always are choice to make. I can't blame or give credit to anyone but myself for where I am at in life. I am for the most part a satisfied man. I have a family I love and that loves me. I have a career and I love what I do. How many of us hit fifty years old and are in this place?

Tonight I celebrated my nephew Bryan and his loving bride Rachel's wedding. Young love at its highest moments. It was wonderful to be there and join the celebration. I felt Donna and I also made a new connection once again as we danced into the evening. Not so new love is still terrific too.

Fragments of Memory

I have stated several times here that there are entire blanks in my memory from about twelve years old and younger. But the brain is amazig and I know the memories are there, just kind of locked away. Why I'll never know. I once talked to a therapist about it and she didn't think it seemed to matter. Just move forward was her rational. I think it matters though I don't dwell on the lost memory. Some will come and most will not but I know what I know from already having lived those lost moments.

For whatever reason one of those memories surfaced recently. Fear. A terrifying  fear of when I was in first grade and riding the bus home from school. My stop came in front of a house with a white female German Shepard. She was behind a fence but on one of those days she hopped it with ease and started towards me. I was scared out of my mind that I would be bit. It never happened and I was never even really in any danger. I went to the other side of the street and she stayed on hers. It was her turf and she was claiming it. I didn't know enough about dogs to know that then and from then on I rode an extra three blocks to avoid her. I allowed the fear to dictate my actions. But I was only a boy.

I don't think this has ever left me entirely. I am nervous around large dogs unless the owner is around. Then I feel okay. Was it rational fear? Probably not but most fears are not that rational. I have learned to fight back on my fear and act on them. I'm not always successful. Fear can freeze me and control me at times like a freighter caught in the ice pack being squeezed harder and harder every minute. I feel it in my chest the same way. Breathing can be labored to the point of actually having to think to breathe.

Our lives are full of uncertainties and many can bring with them fear and anxiety. I will have to move forward and break free of the bonds when restricted and let the reins loose. It is after all just a feeling. A fragment of our psyche. Fear can bind or show us freedom. It is always our choice.

Stratosphere to Stratocaster

Tonight all it took was one link to a Stevie Ray Vaughn video and I was riding the coaster to the stratosphere on a stratocaster. I followed the links and listened and watched coming back to Crossfire twice. The talent Stevie possessed over the strats and strings was mesmerizing. Chilled me to the bone and lifted me to the heavens.

Put on some head phones and kick it. Ride the coaster stratocaster to the stratosphere of musical tranquility. Don't stop on the first ride, tell the operator one more time. Ride the coaster, ride the coaster, ride the coaster...................................................................................................one more time.

Bad Vibes Today

For some reason I found myself so tensed up I was literally shaking. I almost could not type simple commands at work. I have not felt this way in a decade. Pretty scary. I would elaborate more but at this time I think I would only start to relive the feelings and I am very calm now. I want to keep it that way.

Big Brother Influences

Some of my memories are black and gone as I have stated in these pages before. But there are still a few memories. Tonight I clicked on a Facebook link about one of the "On this day..." kind of link about the Doors. The link went to You Tube and for the next twenty minutes I found myself drifting back to the late sixties riding on memory lane.

Memory lane in that era was 1104 S. 27th St. Yes I can remember our house number but not other details of those days. Go figure. The mind is incredibly diverse. But it wasn't the music I remembered so much, after all I have listened to it many hundreds of times since then, rather how I shared the bedroom with my older brother Doug.

Doug was in High School at the time and the era of rock n roll was in full swing. He had a small but terrific collection of albums. The Doors, Jimi Hendrix and the Experience, Cream and others I can't recall. But it is of these three I think really formed an impression on my musical tastes for years to come.

Eric Clapton remains on the top of my list as one of the all time greatest guitarist and to what realm could Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison have taken music had their lives continued. The world is extremely lucky to have been graced by their combined works.

I was but a fly on the wall that watched and observed. Soaking in the vibrations of the late '60's. Thanks Doug for exposing me to the works of these great artists.

Chiseled Thoughts

I have asked myself a thousand times why. Always the same answer returns as a null. Oh I can guess and I might be right but I might also be wrong. The words flowed as if lava from the core into my conscious being. I cannot breathe any longer without these thoughts. Day after day the sculptor's chisels work them deeper into my core. I am powerless to stop it. I am consumed by it.

Why do so many wonderful evenings together end this way? It has been a trend for as long as I can remember. A good time, friends all around until at home alone, the two of us in the cocoon we call a car. And then the heated words start to flow. Just a few at first until the eruption cannot be contained and the burns in my consciousness are completed, ready now for the mind's sculptor to do the dirty work with the chisel of agony embedding forever a few simple words.

Words that are powerful and hungry for attention in the mind, where already a million distractions exists. But the well placed blows of the sculptor has set the path. I cannot forget. I must move forward with yet another piece of decandent art in the collection of memories I will not be able to auction out.