Insomnia

This is what my life has become at the age of 52. A wondering soul who get so little sleep. Less than 4 hours a day and most are less than that. I don't know how long I can keep going at this rate. I am tired all the time. I really don't know why as this is the worst it has ever been.

Mother's Day Letter

Dear Mom,
I want you to enjoy this day to the fullest. savor all the moments like you were a child chasing a butterfly.

I want you to know just how special you are. The photo is a captured moment probably never to be repeated.

Mom I am grateful for everything you have given or done for me but here is my short version list.

I am grateful for:
You gave me my life.
You took care of me as a child when healthy or sick.
You were there for the little events as well as the big events.
You sat in a freezing grandstand to watch me play football.
You demanded to the baseball league for them to get me a uniform when they said they were out.
You tolerated my tumultuous teen years with patience and support.
You taught me the power of forgiveness.
You showed me the direction for living life. (Mine just turned a corner from yours.)
You always gave unconditional love to me.
You share a piece of you own heart with everyone you meet.
Most of all you taught me to be me and while I do not think I am perfect, I am on a path you set the markers on and it is a good path.

Thank you Mom,
love from your son,
Johnny

A Walk With the Kira Dawg

Tonight was one of those rare evenings when the temperature is still 95 degrees but it feels like it is in the eighties. This is sometimes common here in Arizona fooling you into thinking it is cooler than it really is. We, the Kira Dawg and I, started a walk heading West through the neighborhood. The first thought I had just as I passed the driveway was how beautiful the crescent moon was tonight. It glowed a semi-bright golden color and with Venus high in the sky overhead illuminating the rim of the moon in a way that outlined it in a low blue hue.

There were other planets shining too as I had read sometime earlier in the month that they would be showing but the city lights and my lack of astral knowledge will leave them nameless for tonight.

We walked all the way to the end of the neighborhood as far west as we could go without going onto the main roads. Stopping only long enough for Kira Dawg to do the things dogs like to do when passing fresh grass.

As we rounded the corner now heading East, I could not help to notice how dull and dark the night sky had become now. But as we continued it became brighter and brighter. Not from bright stars, not from planets soaring closer to Earth but from giant, no humongous signs flashing every few seconds hawking the cars from the near by dealers. Bright enough to cast shadows and light the windows on the row of homes across from it. I am glad not to live in those homes.

As we reached the end we once more turned West. The crescent moon was lower in the horizon now and glowed a deeper golden orange as Venus had soared farther overhead. No longer was the moon illuminated in soft blue yet it was still brilliant and radiating warmth. As if we needed it here, the perspiration now starting to bead and the dog's tongue was dangling outside of its mouth.

As our journey ended we were both feeling better. Kira Dawg is now sprawled across the floor and I in my recliner. The fan is blowing cool air and the night is becoming still. I would not trade the moments for anything as they only happen once. Moments in time are nothing but fleeting dandelions you try to catch and hold onto. And if and when one is lucky enough to capture one, it will self destruct within a blink of an eye once again confirming time will not rest.

2012 - 01 - 01

Here I am at the beginning of another year. How did I fare last year? Well I'm still alive and I received a promotion of my dreams. I guess that was pretty good so how or what do I do to top that?

Well for starters I plan on improving my health as an overall goal. I have said every year I am going to lose weight but weight is but one component in the plan. I did lose weight last year but on a daily basis feel worse than last year minus some back pain. Oh it is still around just not on the Richter scale as high as before.

Today was a great day overall. Donna and I attended a bash at  a friend's home  where the guest of honor was slowly being smoked from an open fire. Mmm...good. The last big feast for this guy this year. I am pledging to a healthier life and diet starting now. Many thanks for Glynn and Linda Dunbar for inviting us. Here is a picture of the guest of honor.

I almost forgot that last night marked a milestone in my life, fifteen years of complete sobriety.

Milkbones

Milkbones are a favorite treat for Kira, our dog. But I play a game with her before she can just get the bone. From the moment I get it she is transfixed on the prize since it starts when I dig for several seconds to find the perfect bone. She sits eyes glued to the box. Then we proceed to play our version of 1on1. If I can sneak the bone past her paws across the tile I win. She is a pretty good goalie. This simply never gets old.

Tired

At age 51 I am feeling extremely tired just after 7:00 PM. The Dr. said I was deficient in vitamin D. So I take it twice a day as prescibed. But I think it is also a sign of depression. I didn't work today because of this and a massive headache to go along with pain this morning.

Is this the way I want to start a new year? I don't think so.

Dark Thought

I have the feeling today that I am imprisoned within my mind. Tears came from my eyes as I stared into the screen thinking nothing as I was nothing to anyone, at that moment. Life is but a series of thoughts and random feelings entwined with others as we move about life. I know now I am in a chasm, slick sided and dark in its depths. I have the number and a friend is urging me to call. I can't bring myself to do it yet. I have not suffered enough for the pain to create action. I am frozen in my own mind.