I have stated several times here that there are entire blanks in my memory from about twelve years old and younger. But the brain is amazig and I know the memories are there, just kind of locked away. Why I'll never know. I once talked to a therapist about it and she didn't think it seemed to matter. Just move forward was her rational. I think it matters though I don't dwell on the lost memory. Some will come and most will not but I know what I know from already having lived those lost moments.
For whatever reason one of those memories surfaced recently. Fear. A terrifying fear of when I was in first grade and riding the bus home from school. My stop came in front of a house with a white female German Shepard. She was behind a fence but on one of those days she hopped it with ease and started towards me. I was scared out of my mind that I would be bit. It never happened and I was never even really in any danger. I went to the other side of the street and she stayed on hers. It was her turf and she was claiming it. I didn't know enough about dogs to know that then and from then on I rode an extra three blocks to avoid her. I allowed the fear to dictate my actions. But I was only a boy.
I don't think this has ever left me entirely. I am nervous around large dogs unless the owner is around. Then I feel okay. Was it rational fear? Probably not but most fears are not that rational. I have learned to fight back on my fear and act on them. I'm not always successful. Fear can freeze me and control me at times like a freighter caught in the ice pack being squeezed harder and harder every minute. I feel it in my chest the same way. Breathing can be labored to the point of actually having to think to breathe.
Our lives are full of uncertainties and many can bring with them fear and anxiety. I will have to move forward and break free of the bonds when restricted and let the reins loose. It is after all just a feeling. A fragment of our psyche. Fear can bind or show us freedom. It is always our choice.
For whatever reason one of those memories surfaced recently. Fear. A terrifying fear of when I was in first grade and riding the bus home from school. My stop came in front of a house with a white female German Shepard. She was behind a fence but on one of those days she hopped it with ease and started towards me. I was scared out of my mind that I would be bit. It never happened and I was never even really in any danger. I went to the other side of the street and she stayed on hers. It was her turf and she was claiming it. I didn't know enough about dogs to know that then and from then on I rode an extra three blocks to avoid her. I allowed the fear to dictate my actions. But I was only a boy.
I don't think this has ever left me entirely. I am nervous around large dogs unless the owner is around. Then I feel okay. Was it rational fear? Probably not but most fears are not that rational. I have learned to fight back on my fear and act on them. I'm not always successful. Fear can freeze me and control me at times like a freighter caught in the ice pack being squeezed harder and harder every minute. I feel it in my chest the same way. Breathing can be labored to the point of actually having to think to breathe.
Our lives are full of uncertainties and many can bring with them fear and anxiety. I will have to move forward and break free of the bonds when restricted and let the reins loose. It is after all just a feeling. A fragment of our psyche. Fear can bind or show us freedom. It is always our choice.
